How To Get Through The First 30 Days After A Breakup

Other title options:
- The First Month After A Breakup: A Gentle Week-By-Week Plan
- Just Broken Up? What To Do In The First 30 Days

Meta description: A gentle, practical plan for the first 30 days after a breakup: what to do in the first days, choosing support, deciding on contact and rebuilding your days.

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The first night is often strangely calm. It is somewhere around day three that it hits: you reach for your phone to tell them something funny, and remember. Then come the meals you can't finish, the evenings that stretch on forever, and the friend who says you will be fine soon.

You will be fine. But the first month after a breakup counts for more than most people realise. Relationship counselor Penny Price, who has met with thousands of people after heart-shattering breakups over more than 20 years, says that what you do in the first days, weeks and months can make a huge difference to the rest of your life. Get those weeks roughly right and you lay a floor under yourself. Get them wrong and you can spend a long time in what she calls a "sadness rut".

Here is a gentle, practical plan for those 30 days. You don't need to do it perfectly. You just need to do most of it, most days.

One thing first: if you are thinking about harming yourself, or can't get through the day, please call a doctor or a local helpline before anything else. That is the right first step, and there is no shame in it.

Days 1 to 3: let it hit, and look after your body

Don't try to be productive and don't try to be fine. Penny's first piece of advice is simple: be gentle with yourself. You don't go through a breakup every week, so there is no correct way to feel. Crying in the shower, staring at the wall, feeling oddly relieved and then devastated an hour later are all normal.

Do three things a day and count them as a win: drink water, eat something, and get into bed at a reasonable hour even if you don't sleep much. That is the whole job for now.

And remind yourself of something Penny says to everyone she sees: whatever led to the breakup, you are not at fault for the pain you are in. It is a human response, "mental, emotional and even chemical", and you didn't choose it.

Days 4 to 7: choose your Breakup Sponsor

By the end of the first week, pick one person to be your "Breakup Sponsor". This is Penny's idea: one person who understands, who you can call on the bad nights, and who keeps you going. Pick someone patient, someone who won't tell you to "just get over it", and ask them directly. Something like: "I'm having a hard time. Can I call you when it gets bad?"

Penny is honest that a sponsor isn't a magic pill. She also says the support can be worth its weight in gold, and that asking for help is a real sign of strength.

Week 2: decide about contact, in daylight

Most of the damage in the first month happens late at night, phone in hand. So make your decision about contact with your ex in the morning, while you are calm. Sometimes some contact is unavoidable or fine (children, bills, a shared home to sort out). Sometimes it simply keeps the wound open.

Decide what kind of contact you will have, if any, write it down, and tell your Breakup Sponsor so they can remind you. If contact is necessary, keep it short and practical. If you catch yourself writing a long message asking for another try, send it to your sponsor instead.

When and why contact is and is not advisable is one of the areas Penny goes into in detail, and she covers her wider approach in a short video on the 5 key principles to getting over your ex (AFFILIATE-LINK).

Weeks 2 and 3: give your days a shape again

A breakup tends to take your routine with it, and a day with no shape is very easy to fall through. Penny lists a disrupted routine as one of the most common mistakes people make.

Choose one or two fixed points and keep them every day:

- Get up at roughly the same time, even at weekends.

- Eat one proper meal at a set time.

- Go outside for at least ten minutes. A walk round the block counts.

- Put your phone in another room an hour before bed.

It sounds small, and it is meant to be. Once those few things hold, add another: a class, a hobby you dropped, a regular call with a friend.

Week 3: feel it on purpose

By now, people around you may expect you to be "over it", and you may be tempted to pretend. Don't. Penny is firm that if you don't let yourself fully feel the pain, you can never be free of it, and pushing it down only buries it.

So give it a place. Some people write for fifteen minutes every evening. Some save the crying for a walk. Some talk it through with their sponsor. It also helps to understand the five stages of grief, which Penny covers in her book: losing a relationship is a real loss, and the highs and lows of the rollercoaster are far less frightening when you can see that you are moving through them.

Week 4: decide what you would say if they came back

Exes do sometimes get in touch and ask to try again. If that happens and you have no plan, it is very easy to say yes because you are lonely, then end up back where you started.

So decide now, while you are calm, what you deserve. Penny's advice is to be strong, make a clean break and never settle for second best. Write down what you would say, and keep it somewhere you can find it.

Then set one small goal that is only about you: a trip, a skill, a room you want to redecorate, a friend you have been meaning to see. It doesn't need to be big. It just needs to point forward.

If day 30 arrives and you still feel awful

That is normal, and it doesn't mean you have done it wrong. Thirty days is a start, not a deadline. Healing after a breakup takes time and effort, as Penny herself says, and there is no magic pill.

What counts at the end of the month is direction. Look back at day three. If you are eating, sleeping a little better, have someone to call and have a plan for contact, you are moving, even if it doesn't feel like it. If instead you still think about your ex all day and night, keep going over what is wrong with you, or can't picture any happy life without them, that is the sadness rut Penny describes, and it is a sign to get more help rather than wait.

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What to read after the first month

Penny has written all of this, and much more, into a step-by-step eBook called Survival After Separation, from the first shock through to knowing when you are ready to love again. Before you decide anything, her short video explains the 5 key principles to getting over your ex and how to be happy again. If you are somewhere in your first 30 days right now, it is worth a few minutes of a long evening.

Watch Penny's short video on the 5 key principles (AFFILIATE-LINK)

(As I said at the top, that is my affiliate link.)